Clean English Jokes

Have fun and learn English.

Clean English Jokes!

Teachers often use jokes in the ESL/EFL classroom to teach culture, grammar and vocabulary. Here are some of the jokes you can use to learn or teach English.

These are jokes arranged according to the date of their submission. You can also browse jokes arranged into different categories.

Total Jokes: 506

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Silent H

When I was in class 7 , I used to ask a lot of questions. One day, I asked my English teacher:

"Why do we ignore some letters in pronunciation like the letter 'H' in 'Hour', 'Honor', etc?"

My English teacher said:

"We are not ignoring them; they're considered silent."

I was even more confused !?

During the lunch break, my teacher gave me her packed lunch and asked me to heat it in the Cafeteria. I ate all the food and returned her the empty container.

My English teacher said:

"What happened? I told you to go and HEAT my food, you are returning me an empty container."

I replied:

"Madam, I thought 'H' was silent."
Category | language

Adopting a Chinese baby

An American couple adopt a Chinese baby. They go to a school teaching Chinese. They get an interview with a member of the school staff. After basic questions, the school administrator asks, “Can you tell me why you both want to learn Chinese?” “Well”, replied the mother, “We just adopted a little girl who is Chinese and when she grows up, we want to be able to speak to her in Chinese.”
Category | language

I’m fine

A man is hit by a speeding car. A bystander runs over, bends down and says, “How are you?”, the bleeding man mumbles, “I’m fine, thank you.”
Category | stupidity

There can’t be a cat out there

A mouse is in his mouse hole and he wants to go out to get something to eat, but he’s afraid there might be a big cat outside, so he puts his ear by the opening and all he hears is “Bow Wow” so he thinks, “Well, there can’t be a cat out there because there’s a big old dog”, so he goes out of his mouse hole and is promptly caught and eaten by a cat, who licks his lips and says “It’s good to be bilingual !!”
Category | language

Thank you

A French scholar has been awarded a prestigious prize in the US. Not being an English speaker, he follows the advice of his colleagues by repeatedly practicing ‘Thank you very much’ – but without the tell-tale ‘z’ so typical of French speakers. ‘THHHHank you very much… THHHHank you very much’ – day and night, even using a mirror to monitor the position of his tongue. On the fateful day, he walks up to the podium to receive the prize, and says: ‘MerTHHHHHi beaucoup.’
Category | language

The outside layer of a tree trunk

Teacher: What is the outside layer of a tree trunk composed of? Jimmy?
Jimmy: Dunno.
Teacher: BARK, Jimmy, BARK!
Jimmy: Woof woof. Woof Woof.
Category | school

Double negative

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room retorted, “Yeah, right.”
Category | language

Does your dog bite?

A man on a park bench talking to a woman, admiring the dog at her feet.

Man: Does your dog bite?
Woman: No.

The man pats the dog and is bitten.

Man: I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!
Woman: It’s not my dog.
Category | animals

There are no chairs

A guest calls the waiter and complains:

Guest: "How come there are no chairs at our table?!"

The waiter shrugs: "I’m sorry but you only booked one table!"

Category | restaurant

Shall we go out for a quick jog?

Husband: "Oh the weather is lovely today. Shall we go out for a quick jog?"

Wife: "Hahaha, I love the way you pronounce ‘Shall we go out and have a cake’!"

Category | family

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Jokes arranged into different categories

Have FUN :-)