Jokes about Fathers

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals?

Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

Johnny: It’s because I saw one on Daddy’s lettuce, but now it’s gone.

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father’s annoyance.

“Teddy,” he called, “how many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilized human being.”

There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.

“That’s better,” said his father. “Now will you always come downstairs like that?”

“Suits me,” said Teddy. “I slid down the banister.”

A young woman brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink.

“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.

“I am a Torah scholar,” he replies.

“A Torah scholar. Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”

“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”

“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks the father.

“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, Honey?”

The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”

Head goes to the bar

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant “Take another drink”! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, “Take another drink”! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands, he reaches down, grabs his drink, and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was ahead.”

“Daddy,” a little boy asked his father. “How much does it cost to get married?”

“I don’t know, son. I’m still paying for it.”

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said as he walked up to her, “but in just a week or two my father will die, and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening.

Three days later, she became his stepmother.

A four-year-old boy and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the sand. The boy asked his father, “Dad, what happened to the birdie?”

His dad told him, “Son, the bird died and went to heaven.”

Then the boy asked, “And God threw him back down?”

One day Joe”s mother turned to Joe”s father and said,” It’s such a nice day, I think I’ll take Joe to the zoo.”

“I wouldn’t bother,” said father. “If they want him, let them come and get him!”

Raj had been talking on the phone for about half an hour before he hung up. His father said, “Wow! That was short. You usually talk for an hour. What happened?”

Raj replied, “It was a wrong number.”

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

“Wow!,” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”

“Wrong number,” replied the girl.

After Leslie brought home her fiancé to meet her parents, her father invited the young man into his study to find out more about him.

“What are your plans?” he asked Joseph.

“I’m a scholar of the Torah,” Joseph replied.

“Well, that’s admirable,” Leslie”s father replied. “But what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter?”

“I will study, and God will surely provide for us,” Joseph explained.

“And how will you buy her a nice engagement ring?”

“I will study hard, and God will provide for us.”

“And children?” asked the father. “How will you support children?”

“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replied the fiancé.

The conversation continued in much the same fashion. After Joseph and Leslie had left, her mother asked her father what he found out.

The father answered, “Well, he has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I’m God.”

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest. Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, “It’s no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size.”

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.

The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, “Congratulations you’re the father of twins!” He says, ‘Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.’

The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, “Congratulations you’re the father of triplets’! He says, “That’s cool! I work for 3M.”

The third father opens the window and jumps out.

The third nurse comes out, and asks, ‘Where”s the third father?”

One of the other fathers said, “Oh he jumped out the window.’

The nurse asks, “Why?”

He replied, “He works for Seven Up!”

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”

Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents” room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny”s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”

The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep poo.”

My mother taught me LOGIC:
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

My mother taught me MEDICINE:
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD:
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”

My mother taught me ESP:
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”

My mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE:
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”

My mother taught me HUMOR:
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT MARRIAGE:
“How do you think you got here?”

My mother taught me about GENETICS:
“You are just like your father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS:
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE:
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
“Just wait until your father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING:
“You are going to get it when we get home.”

And my all time favorite thing, JUSTICE:
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU… then you’ll see what it’s like.”

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.

“All right, son,” asked the father, “what does that show you?”

“Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.”

A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!” His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”