Clean English Jokes
Have fun and learn English.
Clean English Jokes!
Teachers often use jokes in the ESL/EFL classroom to teach culture, grammar and vocabulary. Here are some of the jokes you can use to learn or teach English.
These are jokes arranged according to the date of their submission. You can also browse jokes arranged into different categories.
Total Jokes: 482
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."
A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
What is the chemical formula for water?
Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"
What should I do?
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he wonít pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. Thatís what he will reply and then youíll have your proof!"
Higher than the Empire State Building?
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Driving through Louisiana
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
Is Google male or female?
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
A recent worldwide survey
A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
Catholic school cafeteria
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching."
Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Jokes arranged into different categories
Have FUN :-)