Clean English Jokes
Have fun and learn English.
Clean English Jokes!
Teachers often use jokes in the ESL/EFL classroom to teach culture, grammar and vocabulary. Here are some of the jokes you can use to learn or teach English.
These are jokes arranged according to the date of their submission. You can also browse jokes arranged into different categories.
Total Jokes: 415
Fat Tuesday or Mardi Gras
Q: What is the difference between Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras?
A: Mardi Gras is an all-night party in New Orleans, Fat Tuesday is who you wake up with the morning after!
“So, Jimmy”, said Grandpa, as they stood on line at the local grocery store. ”What did you learn in school today?” ”To tell you the truth”, answered young Jimmy, “I’m not exactly sure”. ”My teacher was going on and on about something called ethics, and I still don’t know what she was talking about!” Jimmy replied.
“Ah, ethics” responded Grandpa, “very important indeed”. ”Well, let’s say the cashier gives me back too much change, ethics would be whether I keep the change for myself, or if I give it back to Grandma!”
Always self conscious of his lack of ears, whenever Bob would interview a future employee, he would ask him “what do you notice different about me?”. If the employee would mention his lack of ears (which often they did), it would be a for sure “no” for the job. However if the employee would mention something else, he would hire the guy.
One year, at the yearly Holiday business party, Bob approached his most recent hireling and asked him if he remembered the last question he had asked him when interviewing him for the job. “Sure I do” was his reply. “You asked me what was different about you and I said that you were wearing contact lenses.” “Of all things to answer”, Bob questioned curiously, “why was that the thing you noticed?” “Well, to be honest, it was quite simple. How could you possibly be wearing glasses if you don’t have any ears!”
I am the boss
The Boss of our small company was complaining during a staff meeting that people didn’t respect him enough. Trying to change the attitude in the office he came in the next day with a sign for his door it said, “I am the boss”.
One of the employees apparently not appreciating the change posted a post-a-note on the sign it said “your wife wants her sign back”
Bernice had been employed at the same office for over 50 years and was the boss’s top secretary. Everyone was jealous of her. Every day when Bernice showed up for work she would open the drawer to her left, peek inside, and then lock it. When she finally died, her coworker Sandy, who was dying of curiosity, made it her mission to figure out what was in that drawer.
After days of searching she finally found the key. Sweating with excitement she slowly opened up the drawer. Inside was a folded piece of paper. Slowly she reached inside and took it out, while cautiously looking over her shoulder. After a few seconds of trepidation she opened it up.
It said the following “Put only one spoonful of sugar in the boss’s coffee.”
Why am I tired?
For a couple of years I’ve been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I’m tired because I’m overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.
Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.
Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you’re sitting at your computer reading jokes!
What a mean boss!
The CEO of a large company was walking to the cafeteria along with two of his secretaries. Upon tripping on a bottle, a genie appeared and asked the threesome if they would like to each make a wish.
The first secretary excitedly exclaimed, “I wish I was on a beach in a tropical island!” Immediately her wish was granted.
The next secretary proclaimed, “I wish I was on a tour of France!” Immediately her wish too, was granted.
Being that it was now his turn to make a wish the CEO exclaimed “I want the two of them back in their offices right after lunch!”
I want a raise
Sam walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
“By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
There are three stages of man:
1. He believes in Santa Claus.
2. He doesn’t believe in Santa Claus.
3. He is Santa Claus.
Don’t mix them up
For this year I’m requesting, a fat bank account, and a small body.
P.S. This year, please don’t mix them up, like you did last year!
Jokes arranged into different categories
Have FUN :-)