Clean Jokes
Clean English Jokes
Have fun and learn English.
Clean English Jokes!
Teachers often use jokes in the ESL/EFL classroom to teach culture, grammar and vocabulary. Here are some of the jokes you can use to learn or teach English.
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A thief was taking red paint and he was running fast. "Can't spill the paint. " He said as he ran. But he tripped over a rock. "ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGG NOOOO I SPILED THE PAINT ON MY HANDS!" And the law got him. "Talk about getting caught red handed!," The police man joked.
It was a cold dark evening in February in the city. It was raining heavily and the roads were covered in water. George was leaving his office after work when he noticed a poor old man. The man was standing next to a puddle in the road. He was wearing long rubber fishing boots and he was holding a stick with a piece of string. The string was hanging in the puddle. George asked the old man what he was doing and the man replied that he was fishing. ‘Poor guy!’, George thought. The old man was obviously going crazy. George felt sorry for the old man, and he was getting very wet, standing outside in the rain, so he decided to invite the old man to have a drink with him in a nearby bar. George ordered a drink for himself and bought one for the old man. The old man was smiling happily as he was drinking. While they were finishing their drinks, George tried to start a conversation. He turned to the old man and asked, 'So is the fishing good today?' ‘Not bad today, thanks.’ replied the old man. 'And how many have you caught?' 'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.
There were 11 people - ten men and one woman - hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. They all decided that one person should get off, because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally, the woman gave a really touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and not receiving anything in return. When she finished speaking, all the men started clapping.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts." The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts.When I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you. You've broken your finger!"
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?" "The funeral director," said his wife.
A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions. Suddenly, the pilot ran back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. "There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us," he announced. "Since I'm the pilot, I get one!" After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. "I'm the world's greatest athlete," proclaimed Michael Jordon. "This world needs great athletes, so I must live." Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane. "I'm the smartest man in the world," bragged Bill Gates. "The world needs smart men, so I must also live!" Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane. At this point, the Pope began to speak to the Pizza delivery boy. "I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane." "You don't have to do that, replied the pizza delivery guy. Bill Gates just jumped out with my backpack!"
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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