Clean English Jokes
Have fun and learn English.
Clean English Jokes!
Teachers often use jokes in the ESL/EFL classroom to teach culture, grammar and vocabulary. Here are some of the jokes you can use to learn or teach English.
These are jokes arranged according to the date of their submission. You can also browse jokes arranged into different categories.
Total Jokes: 395
First class to L.A.
A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to L.A. with a ticket for coach. Once she boards, she chooses an empty seat in first class. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman she has to move back.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to L.A."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain. The captain goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, hugs the captain and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The flight attendant asks what he said to the woman.
"I just told her that the first class section isn't going to L.A."
John and his sister
John and his sister went to the fair and found a nickel scale that tells your fortune and weight. “Hey, listen to this, said John, showing his sister a small white card. “It says I’m bright, energetic, and a great brother.” Yeah,” John’s sister said. “And it has your weight wrong, too.”
Peter walked up to the sales lady in the clothing store:
“I would like to buy my wife a pretty sweater. ”
“Oh that’s so cute” exclaimed the sales lady, ”sounds like it’s going to be a great surprise.”
“It sure is” said John “she’s expecting a new diamond ring!”
One night Paul’s wife went into labor and the doctor was called to deliver. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed Paul a flashlight and said, “hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.” Before long a baby girl arrived. “Wait a minute!” said the doctor. “Don’t lower the flashlight yet. I think there is another.” A moment later the doctor had delivered a second baby, this time a boy. “Hold on!” cried the doctor a third time. “There is another one coming.” “Holy cow, Doc!” said Paul as he raised the flashlight again. “You think it is the light that is attracting them?”
I never can remember
I was walking with my son and passed by an old age home. We heard two old people having a conversation, and this is how it went:
” I can’t stand it anymore I never can remember what I just said!”
”Oh really when did this problem start?”
Brian, one of the worlds greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket.
“Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!”
“Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed.
“Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!…
Should I buy her a car?
“Brian, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!” “Oh Dan,” responded Brian “I don’t know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!”
“Brian, that’s horrible!” said Dan putting his arm around Brian. “What type of a gift does she want already?”
“Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: “Why don’t you show me how much you care about me? Why can’t you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!”
“Dan what should I do? I don’t have that kind of money? I can’t go out and buy her a car!”
“A car? Asked Dan. “Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!”
Cheeseburger and fries
Guy in a library walks up to the librarian and says, “I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”
Librarian responds, “Sir, you know you’re in a library, right?”
Guy says, “Oh, sorry. [in a whisper] I’ll have a cheeseburger and fries, please.”
A survey about cooking
About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish they didn't have to.
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
Jokes arranged into different categories
Have FUN :-)